So Far Away
Some days it seems as though the Lord is so far away from me. These are the days when I seek out anything and anyone first, rather than turning to my loving Lord and Saviour. On these days, I judge my existence to be one which does not honour my Creator and the good and glorious plan He has for my life. On these days, I judge my existence to be a matter of surviving, where all is mundane, when I seek out time wasting, meaningless activities just so I can "get through". So I can start again tomorrow in the hope that - somehow - I will feel more equipped and motivated to do what He has called me to do. I judge myself as lacking, even though His promises in Scripture reassure me this is not so.
I believe He has a good and glorious plan for my life but there are some days I feel so insignificant and engulfed with a sense of despair. I ask "What is it all for?" I ask "Who? Me?" My desire to stand before Him and hear Him say "Well done good and faithful servant" is overwhelmed with my desire to just get through one more day on Earth.
Trapped and Powerless
We live in a fallen world and a world where daily we are bombarded on all sides by what our society dictates we should be in order to be "successful", underscored by the lies that the enemy whispers into our minds. The enemy who came to kill, steal and destroy is an expert when it comes to keeping us trapped and powerless.
But Jesus came to bring us life, and life abundant.
We exist at this point in history, living our lives. Yet we must also remember that history is His story - His story and how He will be glorified. And His story - when it intersects with ours as we accept His gift of life eternal - then begins to rewrite our personal history. Our sins are remembered no more - "For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more" (Hebrews 8:12). We are given a new life, a true and radiant life serving Him, a life lived in salvation and a promise of life eternal, never again to be separated from Him. No matter how many times we feel useless and ill prepared for what He would want for our lives, the truth is that in Him we are truly loved and finally free from the bondage of this fallen world. We will never again be separated from our loving Heavenly Father.
Nothing is Wasted!
Jesus speaks to me and He reassures me that nothing is wasted! He reassures me that my tiny and limited perspective of earthly living is not the truth of an all-knowing, all-powerful, loving, just and merciful God. Rather than collapsing into self-condemnation and fear, I can instead choose to believe what He speaks to me of in His Holy Scriptures. That He has every situation covered. That He is the answer to every question and the balm for every wound. Yet the resistance is real and, as I journey with Him, I come to know that this resistance is merely a collection of second by second choices. All I need to do is allow Him to do what He does. All I need to do is to love the Lord my God with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my strength, and with all my mind, and love my neighbour as myself (Luke 10:27). I can stay close to Him by reading His scriptures, by praying and seeing Him in everyone I meet. Yet what sounds so simple is a second-by-second struggle between my fleshly life and my spiritual life. A struggle to commit to Him and choose His ways.
Falling Into His Loving Arms
I walk that tightrope where I could stop believing He is who He says He is. Yet I fear that to do so would be like the slowest and most tormenting death ever. So, I choose to believe in Him and to align myself with Him. I can believe what He says about me and if I fall off that tightrope in any given moment, it won't be into a place where I am lost forever but rather, it will be into His loving arms.
The tension of the tightrope is that it is a place where I must walk in balance in order to survive. I must walk upon that narrowest of places, that rocky and fearful place that leads to Him. As He has told me in Matthew 7:13 "Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. 14 "Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it."
I can rejoice in the fact that this life is meant to be difficult! Because living life with Him is not just about this life and making a difference for Him; it is about knowing that I will have an eternal life with Him. Every time I doubt and worry and believe that I am wasting time, I can choose to rejoice in the fact that I have a Saviour who takes care of all of that and who fiercely loves me just as I am, in my strivings to chase after Him and glorify Him.
I Can Repent
I can apologise to my Lord and I can repent - for not bringing all my cares and worries and burdens to Him who makes these light and Who seeks nothing but to take them from me and restore order to my chaos. I can repent for thinking that I have wasted any of His precious time. For He loves me.
There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. I pick myself up, dust myself down, lean into Him and continue learning how to love Him with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength and all my mind. And to keep walking on that tightrope leading to eternity.
John 10:10 "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."
Romans 8:1 There is therefore no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. 2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death.